RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
