I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
