Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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