at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
