Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize