i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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