Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
