I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
