i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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