we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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