why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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