my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
