I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
