He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
