Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
