How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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