either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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