Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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