we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I understand Curling. That high.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
