currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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