If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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