I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
