I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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