she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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