I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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