Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
This is my gift to your gina
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
