I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
