my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think I am morally bankrupt
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
