onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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