I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
