Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
