I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
