I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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