I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
