2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
