this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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