Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
