she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
