We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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