Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize