he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
