I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
