Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
