Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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