Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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