Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
