made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize