Can i not drive my cunt home
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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