remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
