By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So many bounce houses so little time
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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