I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize