The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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