I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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