If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
