Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
