Who wears a wallet chain?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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