...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
