dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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