She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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