either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
