My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
