saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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