I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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